as my unemployment drags on, i realize how much i'm trapped between the life i'm living, the life i want to live and reality. the former two may have little, if anything to do with the latter.
but what is reality. i mean, the world is what and how i experience it, so how to do i divide what is really real and what i perceive to be real? the people that have always made the biggest difference in this world lived in a reality that was somewhat removed from the reality of other people....they saw and perceived things that others didn't; but most importantly, helped to bring those things to the light of others....
realizing that, i know that i have to keep going down the path i am on, as scary and unreasonable it may seem (even; maybe especially even; to myself)....sometimes i do wonder what the crap i'm trying to do, trying to prove; and sometimes i don't have an answer for myself, but when i do; its something about living a life without fear, without boundaries; joyfully embracing the desperate times we are in and the responsibilities that hands to each and every one of us.
i joyfully refuse to give into negative prophecies of our future, i joyfully refuse to give into the fear the government tries to install in each of us. i joyfully refuse to not believe in magic and love.
i joyfully refuse to believe that peace is not possible.
i try, each day, to joyfully live life and not beat myself up, and not get stuck in the negativity and self doubt.
these times are ripe with the promise of change. it is up to each of us to be that change we wish to see.
so everyday, i need to ask myself, what is the change i want to see, and how can i be it? and move slowly, closer to that change.
peace be with you.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
day thirty something ish of funemployment....
i learned something fabulous the other day; which is that i am not unemployed, i'm funemployed!!
woot! such a fantastic concept and term i'm going to use right into the ground most likely...
in the spirit of sharing and caring, i thought i'd share visually some of the things that have been filling my time....
first off is my continuing new art project. i haven't figured out how to get access to some of my earlier works as they are trapped on my phone, but let me tell you a story of how this all began....
it was back in the troubled month of april, when things looked gloomy...the weather still sucked, i was still pretty heart broken, and my job situation was very obviously on the rocks...
my friend chewy and i were spending a lazy sunday biking around, when inspiration hit me and i pulled out a section of canvass i had laying around. we quickly decorated it with a crazy urban scene (chewy's doing) and a horse and forest (my doing) and snuck it into the bar across the street and hung it up.....then proceeded to ask people what it meant.
it was so fun that for the next week we decided to make dummies and sneak them in! it was great! i made a neat little man and chewy made this very load woman. it was a whole process, of sneaking them in, setting them up, then slowly moving them closer to the bar area (the place we were doing it at has this large out door patio....)
at one point in the night the two dummies were sitting at a table together and this girl lit chewy's dummies cig and gave mine a drink!!! chewy eventually got his up to the bar (where the bar tender proceeded to talk to it and give it a drink) and i got mine up to the dance floor!!
the next week we took some blow up balloon animals from the dollar tree and turned them into crazy creations.....this time however, we got caught and were instructed to not do it any more!! BOO.
anyway, i moved out of the place i was living in that was right there, so poop on them any way....
since then, we've been wanting to bring it back, but haven't found a new place to do it, but in the mean time, i've been killing time working on my new dummie...and a couple masks and a little horse (portland sidewalks have these horse hitching rings left over from the frontier days and its big here to attach a model horse to them, so i thought i'd one up everyone and make my own horse!!)
anyway- here's a photo of my newest dummie. her name is barbra and she dates billy grippo who is the east sides biggest producer in the real estate game. as you can see, she likes to stay up to date on the news...
her and billy haven't seen each other in a while, but they're planning a big reunion soon. i'll let you know how that goes!
next, is a project that i haven't been working on quite as long, but has taken up a lot of my time. as you may or may not know, there is an awesome organization in portland called city repair. basically, it is a group of activists reclaiming public space and bringing communties together and helping to foster a ecological future for us all. well...in theory. don't get me wrong, the organization has done a lot of really amazing work, (including getting the portland city council to pass a regulation that allows neighborhoods to paint their intersections) but i feel like a lot of the drive has kinda left the movement...i personally think a lot of it has to do with the fact that one of the major instigators of the whole thing, mark lakman, is getting really burnt out and overwhelmed and frankly, there's not anyone else in the organization that is willing to put so much into it....
ANYWAY...way back in the day mark was this big shot architect and was working on a project in downtown pdx and was sitting in a meeting where they were discussing this toxic leak on one of the projects they were working on and they were all congratulating themselves for bribing the inspectors (i have delusions of erin brockvich here...digging up all that dirt and publicizing it.....one thing at a time though....) and he couldn't take it any more, and quit and went traveling....
well...he ended up with a mayan tribe down in central/south america and had some really amazing experiences, including being told about all these city repair site around portland before they happened...he was very overwhelmed and didn't understand how he could make it happen and they told him to just be himself....
one other really powerfull experience he had was one night sitting around in a circle this young man next to him started to do this elaborate dance (while sitting) with this butterfly....and eventually had the butterfly jump to mark's finger (he really tells this story better then me...)...
later, back in the states, while trying to figure out how to make all these sites happen, and well, change the world, mark came back to that butterfly and its traditional correlation to change and decided what needed to be done is to make a mobile tea house that has huge butterfly wings....
{there's kinda more to the story, but that's for another day}
anyway- that was the birth of the t-horse that for several years was a fixture in portland parks throughout the summer. overtime, energy died and it kinda fell off the radar, but we're bringing it back!!!
{and i have delusions of making it a cross-country mobile tea house....but that's for another day...}
so....with out further ado:
The T-Horse
that's all for now. i wish you all much peace and love.
woot! such a fantastic concept and term i'm going to use right into the ground most likely...
in the spirit of sharing and caring, i thought i'd share visually some of the things that have been filling my time....
first off is my continuing new art project. i haven't figured out how to get access to some of my earlier works as they are trapped on my phone, but let me tell you a story of how this all began....
it was back in the troubled month of april, when things looked gloomy...the weather still sucked, i was still pretty heart broken, and my job situation was very obviously on the rocks...
my friend chewy and i were spending a lazy sunday biking around, when inspiration hit me and i pulled out a section of canvass i had laying around. we quickly decorated it with a crazy urban scene (chewy's doing) and a horse and forest (my doing) and snuck it into the bar across the street and hung it up.....then proceeded to ask people what it meant.
it was so fun that for the next week we decided to make dummies and sneak them in! it was great! i made a neat little man and chewy made this very load woman. it was a whole process, of sneaking them in, setting them up, then slowly moving them closer to the bar area (the place we were doing it at has this large out door patio....)
at one point in the night the two dummies were sitting at a table together and this girl lit chewy's dummies cig and gave mine a drink!!! chewy eventually got his up to the bar (where the bar tender proceeded to talk to it and give it a drink) and i got mine up to the dance floor!!
the next week we took some blow up balloon animals from the dollar tree and turned them into crazy creations.....this time however, we got caught and were instructed to not do it any more!! BOO.
anyway, i moved out of the place i was living in that was right there, so poop on them any way....
since then, we've been wanting to bring it back, but haven't found a new place to do it, but in the mean time, i've been killing time working on my new dummie...and a couple masks and a little horse (portland sidewalks have these horse hitching rings left over from the frontier days and its big here to attach a model horse to them, so i thought i'd one up everyone and make my own horse!!)
anyway- here's a photo of my newest dummie. her name is barbra and she dates billy grippo who is the east sides biggest producer in the real estate game. as you can see, she likes to stay up to date on the news...her and billy haven't seen each other in a while, but they're planning a big reunion soon. i'll let you know how that goes!
next, is a project that i haven't been working on quite as long, but has taken up a lot of my time. as you may or may not know, there is an awesome organization in portland called city repair. basically, it is a group of activists reclaiming public space and bringing communties together and helping to foster a ecological future for us all. well...in theory. don't get me wrong, the organization has done a lot of really amazing work, (including getting the portland city council to pass a regulation that allows neighborhoods to paint their intersections) but i feel like a lot of the drive has kinda left the movement...i personally think a lot of it has to do with the fact that one of the major instigators of the whole thing, mark lakman, is getting really burnt out and overwhelmed and frankly, there's not anyone else in the organization that is willing to put so much into it....
ANYWAY...way back in the day mark was this big shot architect and was working on a project in downtown pdx and was sitting in a meeting where they were discussing this toxic leak on one of the projects they were working on and they were all congratulating themselves for bribing the inspectors (i have delusions of erin brockvich here...digging up all that dirt and publicizing it.....one thing at a time though....) and he couldn't take it any more, and quit and went traveling....
well...he ended up with a mayan tribe down in central/south america and had some really amazing experiences, including being told about all these city repair site around portland before they happened...he was very overwhelmed and didn't understand how he could make it happen and they told him to just be himself....
one other really powerfull experience he had was one night sitting around in a circle this young man next to him started to do this elaborate dance (while sitting) with this butterfly....and eventually had the butterfly jump to mark's finger (he really tells this story better then me...)...
later, back in the states, while trying to figure out how to make all these sites happen, and well, change the world, mark came back to that butterfly and its traditional correlation to change and decided what needed to be done is to make a mobile tea house that has huge butterfly wings....
{there's kinda more to the story, but that's for another day}
anyway- that was the birth of the t-horse that for several years was a fixture in portland parks throughout the summer. overtime, energy died and it kinda fell off the radar, but we're bringing it back!!!
{and i have delusions of making it a cross-country mobile tea house....but that's for another day...}
so....with out further ado:
The T-Horse
that's all for now. i wish you all much peace and love.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
synchronisity
I've been hearing concerns that all my posts are, well, a tad depressing. and that's the wrong image to give out about my life here in Portland. sure. at 2am when i can't fall asleep and my life doesn't seem to amount to much, dark thoughts tend to swirl in my head and writing has always been a sort of therapy for me; so i do what i know how to do to deal with the negative thoughts. get them out my head and into the world.....maybe some one out there can see them and know they're not alone; or something.
in reality; most days i feel so good its somewhat alarming; having spent most of my life feeling blah.
i'm realizing that its a process you have to go through to allow yourself to be happy and feel secure in your decisions.
today was one of those days where things were beautiful and i began to see my life fitting together and making sense....
it started with an interview at a physiologist's office who is looking for an office/project manager for his growing ecophysicology firm....
it went pretty well, BUT he did say he has a lot of applicants....eh. whatev. its something i could do and be good at, but nothing that really excites me....
after that i stopped by radio shack and had a really de-humanizing experience...all i wanted was some freakin batteries for my new (used) camera...and the guy ended up trying to sell me a freakin charger and three times as many batteries as i need....and a credit card, and a job!!! DAMN! anyway- i left there with no batteries and a memory of why i hate radio shack and a vow to never enter that damn store again....as for a job there??? please! me? a sales lady? someone who hates consumption? HA.
THEN i had a coffee meeting/get together with a landscape architect i met recently. {story of meeting- i ever so briefly tried my hand at renewable energy sales- sucked! not only was it a sales position, but it was door to door to boot! ANYWAY. one of the supervisors there is this really awesome lady that does a lot of social justice work and the other weekend she was having a party; and i overheard a lady say she's a larcher, so i butted in and said i have bla.....} the meeting was pretty fun; she kinda got into the profession the same way i did- round about from art- and is actually practicing and licensed and all that good stuff; so we talked shop a little bit- me about some of the projects i'm involved in (depave.org and city riparian) and she talked about some of her experiences working in high end residential....any way, it was decided that we should approach a building owner that approached depave about removing some asphalt and seeing if we can finagle some compensation for some design services!! WOOT!
as i was leaving that meeting, i ran into Albert who is paying me to do some research/writing on population growth and Amy Pearl who is the exec. dir of this social entrepreneurship organization {who i've know for a spell through trying to get things accomplished for gms...} they were having a small get together, talking about the upcoming social change (or something) forum they're planning at my new favorite coffee shop; urban grind. i'm pretty excited about it and am willing to throw some energy into it; especially some community mapping stuff....
now i'm home; and wanting to nap before my T-Horse meeting, but feeling wired- but in that bad way....wired and fried.
oh...at one point i did make it to fred meyers to get both film and batteries.....but DAMN! B&W film is freakin expensive!!
so there you have it- an up beat post from Rose City.
in reality; most days i feel so good its somewhat alarming; having spent most of my life feeling blah.
i'm realizing that its a process you have to go through to allow yourself to be happy and feel secure in your decisions.
today was one of those days where things were beautiful and i began to see my life fitting together and making sense....
it started with an interview at a physiologist's office who is looking for an office/project manager for his growing ecophysicology firm....
it went pretty well, BUT he did say he has a lot of applicants....eh. whatev. its something i could do and be good at, but nothing that really excites me....
after that i stopped by radio shack and had a really de-humanizing experience...all i wanted was some freakin batteries for my new (used) camera...and the guy ended up trying to sell me a freakin charger and three times as many batteries as i need....and a credit card, and a job!!! DAMN! anyway- i left there with no batteries and a memory of why i hate radio shack and a vow to never enter that damn store again....as for a job there??? please! me? a sales lady? someone who hates consumption? HA.
THEN i had a coffee meeting/get together with a landscape architect i met recently. {story of meeting- i ever so briefly tried my hand at renewable energy sales- sucked! not only was it a sales position, but it was door to door to boot! ANYWAY. one of the supervisors there is this really awesome lady that does a lot of social justice work and the other weekend she was having a party; and i overheard a lady say she's a larcher, so i butted in and said i have bla.....} the meeting was pretty fun; she kinda got into the profession the same way i did- round about from art- and is actually practicing and licensed and all that good stuff; so we talked shop a little bit- me about some of the projects i'm involved in (depave.org and city riparian) and she talked about some of her experiences working in high end residential....any way, it was decided that we should approach a building owner that approached depave about removing some asphalt and seeing if we can finagle some compensation for some design services!! WOOT!
as i was leaving that meeting, i ran into Albert who is paying me to do some research/writing on population growth and Amy Pearl who is the exec. dir of this social entrepreneurship organization {who i've know for a spell through trying to get things accomplished for gms...} they were having a small get together, talking about the upcoming social change (or something) forum they're planning at my new favorite coffee shop; urban grind. i'm pretty excited about it and am willing to throw some energy into it; especially some community mapping stuff....
now i'm home; and wanting to nap before my T-Horse meeting, but feeling wired- but in that bad way....wired and fried.
oh...at one point i did make it to fred meyers to get both film and batteries.....but DAMN! B&W film is freakin expensive!!
so there you have it- an up beat post from Rose City.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
another sleepless night...
Once again finding myself unable to find sleep.
it is because i sleep too late into the day? or is it because of too much stimulation too late in the day?
my life seems loose and anchorless, drifting out on a sea of peaceful calming waves...
somewhere, i know, there's a point and purpose to all this, but for now i'm trying my best to find my puzzle pieces and where they fit into the larger picture...
somehow i know i have them all, they're all there, but something vital is missing, some impedious that will make them all make sense. i know that my pieces alone aren't going to bring that picture together, and i'm meeting those that have other pieces....
maybe i'm too impatient and have to remember that rome wasn't built in a day, and its one foot in front of the other till you realize you've walked a mile and that mile turns into another and another....
but why, sometimes do i feel so out of whack? like i've have no idea how to interact with people? why do i sometimes feel my presence so strongly changes the dynamics of a situation; why do i feel like there's something i should be doing that i'm not....some way i should be acting that i'm not...
maybe i'm trying to cram too much into too small of a space....
i don't have to be everything to everyone.
i just have to be me to myself.
whatever the crap that means.
it is because i sleep too late into the day? or is it because of too much stimulation too late in the day?
my life seems loose and anchorless, drifting out on a sea of peaceful calming waves...
somewhere, i know, there's a point and purpose to all this, but for now i'm trying my best to find my puzzle pieces and where they fit into the larger picture...
somehow i know i have them all, they're all there, but something vital is missing, some impedious that will make them all make sense. i know that my pieces alone aren't going to bring that picture together, and i'm meeting those that have other pieces....
maybe i'm too impatient and have to remember that rome wasn't built in a day, and its one foot in front of the other till you realize you've walked a mile and that mile turns into another and another....
but why, sometimes do i feel so out of whack? like i've have no idea how to interact with people? why do i sometimes feel my presence so strongly changes the dynamics of a situation; why do i feel like there's something i should be doing that i'm not....some way i should be acting that i'm not...
maybe i'm trying to cram too much into too small of a space....
i don't have to be everything to everyone.
i just have to be me to myself.
whatever the crap that means.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?
What with being unemployed and all, i've had a lot of time to sit, and think, and think, and think some more.
i realize in a lot of ways, that i'm just waiting for everything to come together, to find that final piece that falls into place and makes everything click. what i'm beginning to remember as i sit and wait is that my goal for myself, and my perceived strength, is being that piece for other people....
which kinda makes everything a bit harder on myself, because that doesn't really pay much!
sometimes i can o so clearly see how everything is working and how its all going to work and see my vision moving in front of me; then i get brought back to reality and all it takes to get there.
maybe that's in a large way a source of so much of my awkwardness, i'm so often living in the future, or a different reality, that its hard for me to relate to people living in the here and now....
somewhere i'm living this life were i'm removing toxins from the environment and spreading peace and love all over the damn place....
but here, and now, its almost all i can do to smile at people.
i realize in a lot of ways, that i'm just waiting for everything to come together, to find that final piece that falls into place and makes everything click. what i'm beginning to remember as i sit and wait is that my goal for myself, and my perceived strength, is being that piece for other people....
which kinda makes everything a bit harder on myself, because that doesn't really pay much!
sometimes i can o so clearly see how everything is working and how its all going to work and see my vision moving in front of me; then i get brought back to reality and all it takes to get there.
maybe that's in a large way a source of so much of my awkwardness, i'm so often living in the future, or a different reality, that its hard for me to relate to people living in the here and now....
somewhere i'm living this life were i'm removing toxins from the environment and spreading peace and love all over the damn place....
but here, and now, its almost all i can do to smile at people.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
HARD-skrab-uhl
1. Yielding a bare or meager living with great labor or difficulty.
2. Marked by poverty.
O, such a word to succinctly sum up my feelings on erie.
maybe it is time to go back.
the fear and confusion i feel about my situation right now vanishes under a cloud of anger, passion, and a sense of urgency when i think about erie.
i had always assumed i would end up back there, but had mostly assumed it would be many years from now.
while i sometimes feel lost and isolated out here; i more often then not felt smothered and alone there.
i know what work i need to do there, but don't feel that i have the tools to do it.
maybe i'm making excuses for myself. maybe i'm being selfish by holing up in this glorious city (which i just hole up in any way--but often when i do get out i fall in love with it all over again--but MY. i do miss sunsets over water. and my cat.)
2. Marked by poverty.
O, such a word to succinctly sum up my feelings on erie.
maybe it is time to go back.
the fear and confusion i feel about my situation right now vanishes under a cloud of anger, passion, and a sense of urgency when i think about erie.
i had always assumed i would end up back there, but had mostly assumed it would be many years from now.
while i sometimes feel lost and isolated out here; i more often then not felt smothered and alone there.
i know what work i need to do there, but don't feel that i have the tools to do it.
maybe i'm making excuses for myself. maybe i'm being selfish by holing up in this glorious city (which i just hole up in any way--but often when i do get out i fall in love with it all over again--but MY. i do miss sunsets over water. and my cat.)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
fear
lately, it seems like waves of fear have been over taking my life.
so odd, because not that long ago, waves of absolute belonging so intense i couldn't focus were over taking my being.
are both these waves symptomatic of my inability to "be here now"?
i wonder why i suffer from such feeling of loneliness, but yet keep myself secluded in my apartment?
i wonder what love means to me.
i wonder what it means to love someone means to me.
so odd, because not that long ago, waves of absolute belonging so intense i couldn't focus were over taking my being.
are both these waves symptomatic of my inability to "be here now"?
i wonder why i suffer from such feeling of loneliness, but yet keep myself secluded in my apartment?
i wonder what love means to me.
i wonder what it means to love someone means to me.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
dropping the ball?
two things happened today that made me want to crawl into a dark, dark black cave and stay there.
the first (these are not listed chronologically) was finally getting word about my dream job i've been waiting on. i didn't get it. not only am i now in the position of being unemployed and not having something on the horizon, but i'm at a loss once again with the intended direction of my life. i mean, i really see/saw that job as my dream job and what i want to do with my life. maybe i wasn't as qualified as i thought, or maybe they made a mistake. anyway, its left me thinking- now what? all this is really starting to feel like a colossal bungle on my part; a bungle which could have been avoided and a bungle i get myself into a lot. i am doomed to never hold a job down for more then a year? i am doomed to forever be living paycheck to paycheck? just what the hell AM i doing with my life??
the second thing also has to do with repetitive negative behavior patterns; this time more to do with my inability to know how to interact normally with people....i have a tendency to over think things and build things up way too much. AND the thing that happened didn't really affect anything....it just made me feel crappy. which i have to wonder why i let such a little thing make me feel so crappy...
it was kinda a moment of deep personal insight when the dark hood started to come down over my brain, and the desire to hide started to set in....i realized that that's what alcohol does (especially over drinking) brings that hood down hard; cuts off the outside world, and some how allows me (briefly) to exist without experiencing life. where does that desire come from? its not that i don't like living, this world, or people (well mostly)- but so often this desire to hide from it all overwhelms me.
i keep hoping/thinking that some day those feelings will fade, and that i'll be able to face the world with out psyching myself up for it...
maybe i just need to stop being such a whiner...suck it up a bit.
tied into all this mess is this nasty feeling that has recently come into my life that if i could only find someone to love me, i wouldn't feel like that- that some how this imaginary person's love would heal me.
i know that's a bunch of bullshit. and always knew it was a bunch of bullshit- but here's the odd part- its a feeling that has become ever so much more prominent in my thoughts since my girlfriend dumped me for a boy. i think part of it for a while pretending that if i could find someone to love me again, i could forget her and move on....now its taken this evil life of its own, and every woman i meet that i'm interested in is my destiny....which is crazy and not healthy!
some how, i have to get my shit back together, regain my composure/confidence and re-negotiate my standing with myself and the world.
simple, right?
the first (these are not listed chronologically) was finally getting word about my dream job i've been waiting on. i didn't get it. not only am i now in the position of being unemployed and not having something on the horizon, but i'm at a loss once again with the intended direction of my life. i mean, i really see/saw that job as my dream job and what i want to do with my life. maybe i wasn't as qualified as i thought, or maybe they made a mistake. anyway, its left me thinking- now what? all this is really starting to feel like a colossal bungle on my part; a bungle which could have been avoided and a bungle i get myself into a lot. i am doomed to never hold a job down for more then a year? i am doomed to forever be living paycheck to paycheck? just what the hell AM i doing with my life??
the second thing also has to do with repetitive negative behavior patterns; this time more to do with my inability to know how to interact normally with people....i have a tendency to over think things and build things up way too much. AND the thing that happened didn't really affect anything....it just made me feel crappy. which i have to wonder why i let such a little thing make me feel so crappy...
it was kinda a moment of deep personal insight when the dark hood started to come down over my brain, and the desire to hide started to set in....i realized that that's what alcohol does (especially over drinking) brings that hood down hard; cuts off the outside world, and some how allows me (briefly) to exist without experiencing life. where does that desire come from? its not that i don't like living, this world, or people (well mostly)- but so often this desire to hide from it all overwhelms me.
i keep hoping/thinking that some day those feelings will fade, and that i'll be able to face the world with out psyching myself up for it...
maybe i just need to stop being such a whiner...suck it up a bit.
tied into all this mess is this nasty feeling that has recently come into my life that if i could only find someone to love me, i wouldn't feel like that- that some how this imaginary person's love would heal me.
i know that's a bunch of bullshit. and always knew it was a bunch of bullshit- but here's the odd part- its a feeling that has become ever so much more prominent in my thoughts since my girlfriend dumped me for a boy. i think part of it for a while pretending that if i could find someone to love me again, i could forget her and move on....now its taken this evil life of its own, and every woman i meet that i'm interested in is my destiny....which is crazy and not healthy!
some how, i have to get my shit back together, regain my composure/confidence and re-negotiate my standing with myself and the world.
simple, right?
Monday, July 7, 2008
my vital juices
i've spent the last couple days...okay, maybe really several....mostly in my bed/room. now, while sequestered in there, i have been reading, watching movies and writing; but mostly sleeping and thinking; and when ever so often, i'm able to break out of my ocd thoughts of "oh shit, i'm going to run out of money, i'm an idiot, why did i quit before i had a new job lined up" and other things i don't feel like mentioning- i realize the pattern i'm falling back into.
yes, there's the depression, yes there's the fact that i spent most of the last several days being reclusive, yes there's the constant beating myself up; but those things don't really bother me....i mean they do; but there's something worse, deeper, more sinister....
and that would be my alcoholism.
its not a new realization that i could classify myself as such. i struggled a lot with my drinking in college, but it was oh so easy to write it off as just part of the experience....plus, there were people who drank more than me, so it must not be that bad, right??
the year after i graduated, i made the decision that i need to quit. i needed to get it out of my system and learn to live my life with out it. it was kinda easy, because i was in a new town, and wasn't faced with the peer pressure of going out and having drinks. i quit for six months and was pretty proud of myself.
i decided that since i had faced a test- being in a public place where others were drinking and didn't drink myself- i was save. i could start drinking again and have it under control. so i did.
at very first, i might have maintained a little control over it....not drinking too too much and not making a complete ass out of myself...
but slowly, incidents started occurring- drinking more then i anticipated, acting more of an idiot then i would prefer, being hung over longer then was healthy...
for a bit, it was the exception that those things happened....for the most part, i was under some resemblance of control....
but something happened, something changed- and recently, its been more the standard then the exception; more the way things go then they way they don't....
nothing really too terrible has happened, but all too often i've chastised myself the next day for how much i drank, how much i spent, or what i said.....or how i acted- or just wished to goddess i didn't let that much vial liquid pass my mouth because my brain is trying to escape my head.
so, when i was ever so briefly detoxing, i also wasn't drinking. and hadn't had a drink in a while; so once i stopped detoxing; i figured it was time to start drinking again...
the first drink wasn't a big deal...i just had one; and the craving for more didn't really kick in....
the second time wasn't that big of a deal either; i had a few more then one; but didn't do anything too embarrassing- but did end up sleeping most of the next day...
the third time, however- i drank too much, acted like a huge idiot and crashed my bike- maybe once, maybe more; i can't really recall.
two days later and my head still feels out of sorts; and i have to wonder- why?
why do i keep partaking in something that i hardly get any joy out of any more- that i hardly enjoy the taste of any more- that more often then not, creates more problems then its worth??
the answer, really has two parts....
one- once that first drink has passed my lips, i often crave for more and more till i'm to the point of illness- that is definitely a sign and symptom of alcoholism...and the reason why i need to not let that first drink past my lips; because once it does, it just opens the way for more. and i really don't think there's a way to avoid that craving other then just not partaking at all.
the second part, which, really is the much harder part is/are the reasons i drink...
one is just because its easier to not say no....even though i'm not in college and my social life doesn't completely revolve around alcohol- portland sure is a town big on its beer....
two is its affects as a social lubricant.....having always been someone that's pretty shy/with drawn its nice to have something that doesn't make me feel so shy/withdrawn; something that lets me seem a little freer...
and three; which i think is the biggest issue; is some mess of unresolved emotions swirling around in my head....yes, there's the social awkwardness which constitutes a huge part of why i drink; but there's also all the feelings that come up around that, and behind that...and the anger. deep, deep seething anger that comes up when i read the newspaper, or listen to a ignoramus...and which comes boiling out and over flowing when i'm drinking....that kind of anger makes me scarred of myself, scarred to let people in too much, lest they see it. scarred because i don't really know where its coming from...
so i realized i have a choice to make- continue down the path i'm on....watching my behavior and drinking slowly slip more and more out of my control; covering up the weirdness i feel with hangovers and drinking: or confront those demons. show my fears to the light of day and learn how to interact in this world with out the help/hindrance of alcohol.
making the choice is easy. sticking by it is what will be the challenge.
yes, there's the depression, yes there's the fact that i spent most of the last several days being reclusive, yes there's the constant beating myself up; but those things don't really bother me....i mean they do; but there's something worse, deeper, more sinister....
and that would be my alcoholism.
its not a new realization that i could classify myself as such. i struggled a lot with my drinking in college, but it was oh so easy to write it off as just part of the experience....plus, there were people who drank more than me, so it must not be that bad, right??
the year after i graduated, i made the decision that i need to quit. i needed to get it out of my system and learn to live my life with out it. it was kinda easy, because i was in a new town, and wasn't faced with the peer pressure of going out and having drinks. i quit for six months and was pretty proud of myself.
i decided that since i had faced a test- being in a public place where others were drinking and didn't drink myself- i was save. i could start drinking again and have it under control. so i did.
at very first, i might have maintained a little control over it....not drinking too too much and not making a complete ass out of myself...
but slowly, incidents started occurring- drinking more then i anticipated, acting more of an idiot then i would prefer, being hung over longer then was healthy...
for a bit, it was the exception that those things happened....for the most part, i was under some resemblance of control....
but something happened, something changed- and recently, its been more the standard then the exception; more the way things go then they way they don't....
nothing really too terrible has happened, but all too often i've chastised myself the next day for how much i drank, how much i spent, or what i said.....or how i acted- or just wished to goddess i didn't let that much vial liquid pass my mouth because my brain is trying to escape my head.
so, when i was ever so briefly detoxing, i also wasn't drinking. and hadn't had a drink in a while; so once i stopped detoxing; i figured it was time to start drinking again...
the first drink wasn't a big deal...i just had one; and the craving for more didn't really kick in....
the second time wasn't that big of a deal either; i had a few more then one; but didn't do anything too embarrassing- but did end up sleeping most of the next day...
the third time, however- i drank too much, acted like a huge idiot and crashed my bike- maybe once, maybe more; i can't really recall.
two days later and my head still feels out of sorts; and i have to wonder- why?
why do i keep partaking in something that i hardly get any joy out of any more- that i hardly enjoy the taste of any more- that more often then not, creates more problems then its worth??
the answer, really has two parts....
one- once that first drink has passed my lips, i often crave for more and more till i'm to the point of illness- that is definitely a sign and symptom of alcoholism...and the reason why i need to not let that first drink past my lips; because once it does, it just opens the way for more. and i really don't think there's a way to avoid that craving other then just not partaking at all.
the second part, which, really is the much harder part is/are the reasons i drink...
one is just because its easier to not say no....even though i'm not in college and my social life doesn't completely revolve around alcohol- portland sure is a town big on its beer....
two is its affects as a social lubricant.....having always been someone that's pretty shy/with drawn its nice to have something that doesn't make me feel so shy/withdrawn; something that lets me seem a little freer...
and three; which i think is the biggest issue; is some mess of unresolved emotions swirling around in my head....yes, there's the social awkwardness which constitutes a huge part of why i drink; but there's also all the feelings that come up around that, and behind that...and the anger. deep, deep seething anger that comes up when i read the newspaper, or listen to a ignoramus...and which comes boiling out and over flowing when i'm drinking....that kind of anger makes me scarred of myself, scarred to let people in too much, lest they see it. scarred because i don't really know where its coming from...
so i realized i have a choice to make- continue down the path i'm on....watching my behavior and drinking slowly slip more and more out of my control; covering up the weirdness i feel with hangovers and drinking: or confront those demons. show my fears to the light of day and learn how to interact in this world with out the help/hindrance of alcohol.
making the choice is easy. sticking by it is what will be the challenge.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Happy Birthday America; AKA- the begining of the end of the long national nightmare??
I made a decision on the fourth; which i realize is not quite tantamount to writing the declaration of independence or what not; but still, in my mind at least; begins to bring some solace to my weary, weary soul....
i've decided to officially declare to myself that dubbya is officially a lame duck president....or more realistically- what he has always been a lame fuck.
the end is in sight.
let's all hope we can pull together and not only repair some of the damage made over the last eight years, but get at least a little caught up to the rest of the world.
maybe now; after such a long, long time, i can again begin to read the news without desolving into a state of hysteria/depression...
maybe now the future will no longer hold images of the apocalypse for me and actually hold images of something hopeful, something good- something with lots of flowers and butterflies.
let's all hope that that horrible horrible man/administration represented the death rattle of the far right and things will begin to get better....
things i hope for in the future:
universal health care
mandatory paid time off!!
1 full year of maternity leave!
a government that puts its citizen's well fare above that of big business...
butterflies and bees....
flowers and food
healthy environments for all!!!
rainbows and unicorns that shit happiness.....
okay...maybe that last one is more in the realm of fantasy, but do the other ones seem so out of reach for america? why is socialism seen to be at such odds with democracy??
why can't i spend my life in americorps? damn! is it really too much to ask to be allowed to spend my life in community service getting paid shit?!
life sure is funny. here i am....a pretty well educated, well read, intelligent, caring, passionate person, again looking at the possibility of taking a job i'm WAY over qualified for; and will most likely quit in six months....
i guess i could spend my reserve year and re-up with americorps.....
damn. really people. why can't i just do that for the rest of my life?
i've decided to officially declare to myself that dubbya is officially a lame duck president....or more realistically- what he has always been a lame fuck.
the end is in sight.
let's all hope we can pull together and not only repair some of the damage made over the last eight years, but get at least a little caught up to the rest of the world.
maybe now; after such a long, long time, i can again begin to read the news without desolving into a state of hysteria/depression...
maybe now the future will no longer hold images of the apocalypse for me and actually hold images of something hopeful, something good- something with lots of flowers and butterflies.
let's all hope that that horrible horrible man/administration represented the death rattle of the far right and things will begin to get better....
things i hope for in the future:
universal health care
mandatory paid time off!!
1 full year of maternity leave!
a government that puts its citizen's well fare above that of big business...
butterflies and bees....
flowers and food
healthy environments for all!!!
rainbows and unicorns that shit happiness.....
okay...maybe that last one is more in the realm of fantasy, but do the other ones seem so out of reach for america? why is socialism seen to be at such odds with democracy??
why can't i spend my life in americorps? damn! is it really too much to ask to be allowed to spend my life in community service getting paid shit?!
life sure is funny. here i am....a pretty well educated, well read, intelligent, caring, passionate person, again looking at the possibility of taking a job i'm WAY over qualified for; and will most likely quit in six months....
i guess i could spend my reserve year and re-up with americorps.....
damn. really people. why can't i just do that for the rest of my life?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
random thoughts from the world of unemployment
what did people do before the internet?
i guess there was a time when tv was the main brain sucker, but i have a sinking feeling that for our generation, and our time the main time sink is the internet. i mean, here i am, logged on, not really for any purpose or with any intent in mind other then trying to kill time. heaven forbid i actually leave my house and try to connect with some real people, instead i will sit here, in my room and troll the depths of the internet, wondering why i feel so alone and disconnected from the world around me.
in reality, i do try to get out a lot and meet people- mostly through volunteering and what not; and i guess i'm pretty american because when people don't instantly become my friend, i get disappointed and discouraged. but- really, i don't try to become people's friend! i always leave it up to them to pursue a friendship with me! how's that for silly?
back to the internet thing, i marvel sometimes at what it would take to conduct business before the internet....imagine, a world bereft of email, im, social networking and "shudder" internet research. it must of been a bleak world indeed.
and further more; how ever would one stay up to date on all the recent conspiracy theories and crack pot prophecies? it must have been a lot harder in those days to find a saviour....
i read/heard one time some statement to the affect that for every invention we come up with, we loose a bit of human potential.
have to wonder what we're killing off with all this wifi nonsense.
lately i've decided to start two missions- one; a suitable location to watch sunsets and two; a suitable coffeehouse/cafe in which to kill time. i'm pretty sure i have an idea of where to find #1 (just haven't gone there yet) where as #2 is a little more difficult. this being portland, many places close at 5ish as people switch to drinking beers; so most likely it will have to be a place that serves both nectars of the gods. also, my operating system is getting old; so my wireless doesn't work with encrypted wifi and having internet access plays a vital role in my ability to kill time.
speaking of time- i really have been feeling for a while that i've hit some sort of wall with my motivation/concentration....i know that there's all these things i should be doing now that i have time to do them; but i just keep putting them off....including reading. i can tear through 2-3 graphic novels a day, but i've barely put a dent in "the chalice and the blade" a book which i've been meaning to read for five freakin years. i read a page, and can't remember what i just read. it that a symptom of too much internet? intellectual over load? stress? maybe i'm glorifying my past, where i seem to think i used to read a lot more....maybe i never really had that much concentration....maybe, just maybe, i'm being too hard on myself.
i realize more and more that i may have a voice, opinion, writing style and vision that i want to share with others (hence this blog) but find myself struggling with the point of it all; and method of delivery.
do i just want to be a poet, attempting to verbally illuminate the beauty of this world? an armchair prophet telling of a future that may be and could be? a re-interpretive historian; telling the past through the language of the landscape? or just a lazy head who wants to pretend to be something i'm not....
what is the point of this world? is it to enjoy your life, or try to improve things for others- can you do both? HOW do you do both?
am i still constricted by a schedule i no longer have to follow? i still dread the coming of 5pm; as if i haven't accomplished anything by then my day is over. why is that? i'm not working; 5pm isn't the end of the day- further more the night is open to working too....
but- what is it that i'm working on? what is it that i'm doing? do i even know any more??
i guess there was a time when tv was the main brain sucker, but i have a sinking feeling that for our generation, and our time the main time sink is the internet. i mean, here i am, logged on, not really for any purpose or with any intent in mind other then trying to kill time. heaven forbid i actually leave my house and try to connect with some real people, instead i will sit here, in my room and troll the depths of the internet, wondering why i feel so alone and disconnected from the world around me.
in reality, i do try to get out a lot and meet people- mostly through volunteering and what not; and i guess i'm pretty american because when people don't instantly become my friend, i get disappointed and discouraged. but- really, i don't try to become people's friend! i always leave it up to them to pursue a friendship with me! how's that for silly?
back to the internet thing, i marvel sometimes at what it would take to conduct business before the internet....imagine, a world bereft of email, im, social networking and "shudder" internet research. it must of been a bleak world indeed.
and further more; how ever would one stay up to date on all the recent conspiracy theories and crack pot prophecies? it must have been a lot harder in those days to find a saviour....
i read/heard one time some statement to the affect that for every invention we come up with, we loose a bit of human potential.
have to wonder what we're killing off with all this wifi nonsense.
lately i've decided to start two missions- one; a suitable location to watch sunsets and two; a suitable coffeehouse/cafe in which to kill time. i'm pretty sure i have an idea of where to find #1 (just haven't gone there yet) where as #2 is a little more difficult. this being portland, many places close at 5ish as people switch to drinking beers; so most likely it will have to be a place that serves both nectars of the gods. also, my operating system is getting old; so my wireless doesn't work with encrypted wifi and having internet access plays a vital role in my ability to kill time.
speaking of time- i really have been feeling for a while that i've hit some sort of wall with my motivation/concentration....i know that there's all these things i should be doing now that i have time to do them; but i just keep putting them off....including reading. i can tear through 2-3 graphic novels a day, but i've barely put a dent in "the chalice and the blade" a book which i've been meaning to read for five freakin years. i read a page, and can't remember what i just read. it that a symptom of too much internet? intellectual over load? stress? maybe i'm glorifying my past, where i seem to think i used to read a lot more....maybe i never really had that much concentration....maybe, just maybe, i'm being too hard on myself.
i realize more and more that i may have a voice, opinion, writing style and vision that i want to share with others (hence this blog) but find myself struggling with the point of it all; and method of delivery.
do i just want to be a poet, attempting to verbally illuminate the beauty of this world? an armchair prophet telling of a future that may be and could be? a re-interpretive historian; telling the past through the language of the landscape? or just a lazy head who wants to pretend to be something i'm not....
what is the point of this world? is it to enjoy your life, or try to improve things for others- can you do both? HOW do you do both?
am i still constricted by a schedule i no longer have to follow? i still dread the coming of 5pm; as if i haven't accomplished anything by then my day is over. why is that? i'm not working; 5pm isn't the end of the day- further more the night is open to working too....
but- what is it that i'm working on? what is it that i'm doing? do i even know any more??
Monday, June 30, 2008
SPAM!!
So, i broke my streak yesterday, in more ways than one. i had pretty consistently been updating every day, but never got around to it yesterday....i also ate a pizza. and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some popcorn. and a pickle.
i wasn't planning on ending the fast/detox so abruptly or so soon, but i guess i couldn't resist the lure of pizza any longer. it was glorious to eat it again!
i also got a lot done yesterday. i continued my quest to find a suitable place to watch the sunset, and probably rode about 10 or so miles around trying to find a place. it was pretty nice, because there was also a lighting storm going on. as of yet, nothing suitable. have a couple more places to check out.
during my journeying, i realized just how fantastic the view from my parent's house really is....
i also started working on some art projects i've been meaning to get around to and just haven't. AND i took care of some volunteer responsibilities i've been putting off. all in all a pretty full day.
today, i have some more volunteer responsibilities to tackle, and a refrigerator to clean out, and a job to apply for....hopefully this one won't take three freakin months to get....and i'll probably work a bit more on my art projects...
so...on to the title of the post...one thing i secretly love and publicly fear is gmail's ability to read your emails and post ads that relate to key words in the messages. the reason i secretly love it is because when you go into your spam folder, there's always recipes for spam. i want to know who came up with all those recipes and decided to post them on the internet?? the funny thing is, that most of them sound pretty good, minus the spam, of course.
really, though, i probably should be a little more upset/concerned about google's ability to invade your life; because that's just a public application- imagine what the government can do....
i am upset/concerned/angry about it really, but what can i do? might as well get some enjoyment out of it, right?
i wasn't planning on ending the fast/detox so abruptly or so soon, but i guess i couldn't resist the lure of pizza any longer. it was glorious to eat it again!
i also got a lot done yesterday. i continued my quest to find a suitable place to watch the sunset, and probably rode about 10 or so miles around trying to find a place. it was pretty nice, because there was also a lighting storm going on. as of yet, nothing suitable. have a couple more places to check out.
during my journeying, i realized just how fantastic the view from my parent's house really is....
i also started working on some art projects i've been meaning to get around to and just haven't. AND i took care of some volunteer responsibilities i've been putting off. all in all a pretty full day.
today, i have some more volunteer responsibilities to tackle, and a refrigerator to clean out, and a job to apply for....hopefully this one won't take three freakin months to get....and i'll probably work a bit more on my art projects...
so...on to the title of the post...one thing i secretly love and publicly fear is gmail's ability to read your emails and post ads that relate to key words in the messages. the reason i secretly love it is because when you go into your spam folder, there's always recipes for spam. i want to know who came up with all those recipes and decided to post them on the internet?? the funny thing is, that most of them sound pretty good, minus the spam, of course.
really, though, i probably should be a little more upset/concerned about google's ability to invade your life; because that's just a public application- imagine what the government can do....
i am upset/concerned/angry about it really, but what can i do? might as well get some enjoyment out of it, right?
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Volunteering and Fasting?
I realized two things today- the first one about fasting- its not what i've been eating, or my toxic load (well maybe it is that--more on that in a bit) that's been troubling me lately, its a deep seated and long lasting depression.
maybe it is from my toxic load, but i don't think simple fasting is going to take care of it....something more drastic perhaps...
anyway, i ate some popcorn, and feel better then i have for most of the day.
i'm definitely a gloomy gus, and while i've been pretty good about getting out and about and ignoring it, it really does kinda imbue everything i do and think. its not really anything new either, this feeling has been with me most of my life. its a nagging, annoying feeling that i'll never be, can't be happy, or normal or fit in. even here in this city of freaks and misfits, i don't feel that i belong often. over a year here and no friends to speak of....maybe i'm being too picky, maybe i'm ignoring the connections i have made...
which leads me to my second realization, which is part of the reason why i like volunteering so much is that it allows me to be a part of something, be in groups of people with out having to have fun...if i'm busy coordinating things or otherwise pre-occupied, i don't have to try to interact with people and be at a loss of how to act, or what to say, or always feel like i'm missing something, or not relating...
i didn't end up going to the bike workshop thing this morning; my body protested too much; and i've been trying to get better at listening to it.
i did, however, very briefly check out the multnomah county bike fair and there were a couple people there i knew, but i didn't talk to any of them. in fact, i more or less avoided them like the plague. ha! great way to make friends, eh? ignore people like the plague....
maybe somewhere, somehow through my endless self-reflecting i'll learn how to get over my hang ups and learn how to be in the moment with people, how to reach out and be friendly......
maybe it is from my toxic load, but i don't think simple fasting is going to take care of it....something more drastic perhaps...
anyway, i ate some popcorn, and feel better then i have for most of the day.
i'm definitely a gloomy gus, and while i've been pretty good about getting out and about and ignoring it, it really does kinda imbue everything i do and think. its not really anything new either, this feeling has been with me most of my life. its a nagging, annoying feeling that i'll never be, can't be happy, or normal or fit in. even here in this city of freaks and misfits, i don't feel that i belong often. over a year here and no friends to speak of....maybe i'm being too picky, maybe i'm ignoring the connections i have made...
which leads me to my second realization, which is part of the reason why i like volunteering so much is that it allows me to be a part of something, be in groups of people with out having to have fun...if i'm busy coordinating things or otherwise pre-occupied, i don't have to try to interact with people and be at a loss of how to act, or what to say, or always feel like i'm missing something, or not relating...
i didn't end up going to the bike workshop thing this morning; my body protested too much; and i've been trying to get better at listening to it.
i did, however, very briefly check out the multnomah county bike fair and there were a couple people there i knew, but i didn't talk to any of them. in fact, i more or less avoided them like the plague. ha! great way to make friends, eh? ignore people like the plague....
maybe somewhere, somehow through my endless self-reflecting i'll learn how to get over my hang ups and learn how to be in the moment with people, how to reach out and be friendly......
Friday, June 27, 2008
Columbia Slough
swallows, swifts, bald eagle
mamma duck and blue heron
paddle columbia
today i went on a 19 (give or take) mile trip down the columbia slough.
it was pretty fantastic. i started the day in a canoe and ended it in a kayak. in my mind summer has officially begun because i got sun burnt.
the slough runs through a heavily industrialized area of north/northeast portland (well, there's no iron smelters or steel mills or anything; but you know- heavily industrialized for the pacific northwest- that's not to say there was a nuclear power plant, but you know what i mean...)
the slough is heavily leveed and the water levels in the upper reaches of it can be completely (well mostly) controlled by the multnomah county drainage district. the lower reach is still attached to the willamette and has a tidal fluctuation to it. i thought that was pretty amazing- 100 miles inland and there's still a tidal response.
over the past ten years or so, the city has invested a large amount of time, money and resources to re-vegetating the slough, and their work has paid off. there was abundant wildlife all along the voyage, including a pair of bald eagles!
the whole day really reminded me of why i love portland so much- such a beautiful natural resource right in the middle of industry. that and the other folks that were on the trip- it was the 8th annual trip and many of the people all worked together either at the bureau of environmental services or on the slough team. everyone was very friendly and was giving me places to look for jobs/network.
in addition to that, one of the people on the trip was a professor from lewis and clark university that i had met earlier this week during an informational interview about oregon and utopia and distopias (it was part of his grant- 'ecotopia revisited') .
it really is crazy how small this town is.
i would have to say, since January, i've really been trying to get out and about; and since march or so, its rare that i go to an event that i don't see someone i've met before....maybe i just move in small circles...
actually one of the students at the interview thingy i had met before!
i'm planning on going to a bike maintenance workshop tomorrow, so we'll see how much my theory plays out....
that is if i get up.
i'm not really that tired; my shoulders/arms are just unbelievably freakin sore!!
and- i'm ashamed to admit, i ate a ton of bad food....they had vodoo donuts, i couldn't resist....i ate one- then immediately regretted it....and i just ate some sushi from fred meyers....also regretting it....
let me explain about the vodoo donuts if you're not familiar- they're crazy!! they make all kinds of weird combinations, like donuts with sugary cereal on top, donuts with bacon on top, a little vodoo doll donut; and they even used to sell a night quil donut. i shit you not.
anyway, part way through the day i got this very uncomfortable feeling; not quite sick; but vaguely ill and just like disconnected....its a feeling i've gotten in the past, and for years, i've tried to isolate the source- and i may have discovered it. sugary donuts. either that or groups of people i don't know....it remains to be seen...
so, today, other than eating that nasty donut, i really didn't have any bad cravings, except for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. ummmmm..... bread.
i think i'm going to start a juice fast tomorrow, and planning on trying to carry it through the week. we'll see how it goes.
i didn't do super hot with the detox phase; but i'm not going to beat myself up over it.
i also applied for a job at hollywood video today. ugh. i really never thought my life would come to this when i graduated college. i really just need it to tide me over till something better comes along....and so that i don't go stir crazy. and i get free rentals. and its right down the street from me. all good reasons, right??
i do know this; when i finally do get a new job, i'm getting a massage and eating a great big sandwich to celebrate.
mamma duck and blue heron
paddle columbia
today i went on a 19 (give or take) mile trip down the columbia slough.
it was pretty fantastic. i started the day in a canoe and ended it in a kayak. in my mind summer has officially begun because i got sun burnt.
the slough runs through a heavily industrialized area of north/northeast portland (well, there's no iron smelters or steel mills or anything; but you know- heavily industrialized for the pacific northwest- that's not to say there was a nuclear power plant, but you know what i mean...)
the slough is heavily leveed and the water levels in the upper reaches of it can be completely (well mostly) controlled by the multnomah county drainage district. the lower reach is still attached to the willamette and has a tidal fluctuation to it. i thought that was pretty amazing- 100 miles inland and there's still a tidal response.
over the past ten years or so, the city has invested a large amount of time, money and resources to re-vegetating the slough, and their work has paid off. there was abundant wildlife all along the voyage, including a pair of bald eagles!
the whole day really reminded me of why i love portland so much- such a beautiful natural resource right in the middle of industry. that and the other folks that were on the trip- it was the 8th annual trip and many of the people all worked together either at the bureau of environmental services or on the slough team. everyone was very friendly and was giving me places to look for jobs/network.
in addition to that, one of the people on the trip was a professor from lewis and clark university that i had met earlier this week during an informational interview about oregon and utopia and distopias (it was part of his grant- 'ecotopia revisited') .
it really is crazy how small this town is.
i would have to say, since January, i've really been trying to get out and about; and since march or so, its rare that i go to an event that i don't see someone i've met before....maybe i just move in small circles...
actually one of the students at the interview thingy i had met before!
i'm planning on going to a bike maintenance workshop tomorrow, so we'll see how much my theory plays out....
that is if i get up.
i'm not really that tired; my shoulders/arms are just unbelievably freakin sore!!
and- i'm ashamed to admit, i ate a ton of bad food....they had vodoo donuts, i couldn't resist....i ate one- then immediately regretted it....and i just ate some sushi from fred meyers....also regretting it....
let me explain about the vodoo donuts if you're not familiar- they're crazy!! they make all kinds of weird combinations, like donuts with sugary cereal on top, donuts with bacon on top, a little vodoo doll donut; and they even used to sell a night quil donut. i shit you not.
anyway, part way through the day i got this very uncomfortable feeling; not quite sick; but vaguely ill and just like disconnected....its a feeling i've gotten in the past, and for years, i've tried to isolate the source- and i may have discovered it. sugary donuts. either that or groups of people i don't know....it remains to be seen...
so, today, other than eating that nasty donut, i really didn't have any bad cravings, except for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. ummmmm..... bread.
i think i'm going to start a juice fast tomorrow, and planning on trying to carry it through the week. we'll see how it goes.
i didn't do super hot with the detox phase; but i'm not going to beat myself up over it.
i also applied for a job at hollywood video today. ugh. i really never thought my life would come to this when i graduated college. i really just need it to tide me over till something better comes along....and so that i don't go stir crazy. and i get free rentals. and its right down the street from me. all good reasons, right??
i do know this; when i finally do get a new job, i'm getting a massage and eating a great big sandwich to celebrate.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Food Cravings
I've been told that fasting is supposed to re-balance your relationship to food, make you more aware of what you put in your body, but damn! Does it make me hungry and yearn after all sorts of things.
Maybe I like to torture myself, because one of my favorite past time whilst fasting is looking at menus.
Today, so far, I have been craving barbequed ribs (keep in mind I'm vegetarian and have been for nearly 8 years), pork chops, t-bone steaks, grilled cheese, all sorts of grilled paninis, eggplant parmesan subs, or really any sort of mixture of bread and cheese. Um...cheese. Cheese and apples, cheese and pears...cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese....
It is a little interesting to me that all the things I've been mostly craving are things I'm imagining going to a restaurant for...
Well, that's not entirely true, I did have a fierce craving for some pieroges and broccoli..
And pizza. Always pizza. I could eat a whole pizza right now...ummm...bread and cheese...
Popcorn and cheesy poofs are also two familiar cravings. Nachos and cheese...
Strawberry shortcake. Oh yeah.
I've been making plans on what/where I'm going to eat once I'm done fasting. Burgerville was on the top of the list, for some strawberry shortcake, fries and a shake...
Why is it that I want to immediately stuff my gullet with nasty food again?
Other than writing this post right now, I have been a complete waste of life today. Seriously. I've spent all day in my room. Mostly sleeping. Now I have an urge to get up and prepare my lunch for tomorrow (canoe trip on the Columbia Slough), but my roommate has friends over and I'm still in my pajamas! D'oh. And I have a bad case of bed head....what with all the lazing about.
I guess I should dress myself and (briefly) face the world outside of my room....
Maybe I like to torture myself, because one of my favorite past time whilst fasting is looking at menus.
Today, so far, I have been craving barbequed ribs (keep in mind I'm vegetarian and have been for nearly 8 years), pork chops, t-bone steaks, grilled cheese, all sorts of grilled paninis, eggplant parmesan subs, or really any sort of mixture of bread and cheese. Um...cheese. Cheese and apples, cheese and pears...cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese....
It is a little interesting to me that all the things I've been mostly craving are things I'm imagining going to a restaurant for...
Well, that's not entirely true, I did have a fierce craving for some pieroges and broccoli..
And pizza. Always pizza. I could eat a whole pizza right now...ummm...bread and cheese...
Popcorn and cheesy poofs are also two familiar cravings. Nachos and cheese...
Strawberry shortcake. Oh yeah.
I've been making plans on what/where I'm going to eat once I'm done fasting. Burgerville was on the top of the list, for some strawberry shortcake, fries and a shake...
Why is it that I want to immediately stuff my gullet with nasty food again?
Other than writing this post right now, I have been a complete waste of life today. Seriously. I've spent all day in my room. Mostly sleeping. Now I have an urge to get up and prepare my lunch for tomorrow (canoe trip on the Columbia Slough), but my roommate has friends over and I'm still in my pajamas! D'oh. And I have a bad case of bed head....what with all the lazing about.
I guess I should dress myself and (briefly) face the world outside of my room....
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Continuing Adventures in the Land Of UnEmployement.
And what a happy land it is!!
Today, incidentally also coincides with day 5 of my detox program. Although, I do have to admit, on day one I ate a piece of pizza and two (small) cheese sandwiches. AND day three I ate some cookies....and yesterday I ate the rest of the bread and cheese....(didn't want it to go to waste...).
Anyway, its the second time I've tried to do a detox; the first time being with my ex; utilizing the 'master cleanse' diet of lemon water, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. Ick. That didn't go well. I think I was toxed out, and didn't led up to it very well....this time I'm taking a gentiler approach...slowly detoxing for about a week (only eating a bit of fruit in the morning, then steamed vegetables and whole grains during the day; with plenty of liquid); then building up to a couple days of hard core fasting.
This morning I decided to do a salt water flush and (close your eyes if you don't like graphic descriptions of bodily functions) I've been peeing out my butt all day!! My stomach is kinda crampy and gurgly; probably from the massive amount of salt water I ingested (1 qrt), but all in all, I am feeling at least a little bit more clear headed.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to stick to fresh fruit and juices...wish me luck!!
Today I've also taken out some time to clean my apartment and work on me. I did a (very) little light yoga; and bemoaned my extremely tight hammies (biking + no stretching = bad), caught up a bit on my reading, did some journaling and took some time to think about my life and my broken relationship....focusing on trying to love myself. Its harder then you think. Or maybe you know. Why is that? I can get that soaring feeling of love for my neighbors, for humanity as a whole, for a new love interest (or an old one), but for some reason, when it comes to me....I don't feel that way- all I can see are my faults.
Detoxing to me is trying to break out of old habits, and I think of all my bad habits, the worse one I always fall into is beating myself up.
Today, incidentally also coincides with day 5 of my detox program. Although, I do have to admit, on day one I ate a piece of pizza and two (small) cheese sandwiches. AND day three I ate some cookies....and yesterday I ate the rest of the bread and cheese....(didn't want it to go to waste...).
Anyway, its the second time I've tried to do a detox; the first time being with my ex; utilizing the 'master cleanse' diet of lemon water, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. Ick. That didn't go well. I think I was toxed out, and didn't led up to it very well....this time I'm taking a gentiler approach...slowly detoxing for about a week (only eating a bit of fruit in the morning, then steamed vegetables and whole grains during the day; with plenty of liquid); then building up to a couple days of hard core fasting.
This morning I decided to do a salt water flush and (close your eyes if you don't like graphic descriptions of bodily functions) I've been peeing out my butt all day!! My stomach is kinda crampy and gurgly; probably from the massive amount of salt water I ingested (1 qrt), but all in all, I am feeling at least a little bit more clear headed.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to stick to fresh fruit and juices...wish me luck!!
Today I've also taken out some time to clean my apartment and work on me. I did a (very) little light yoga; and bemoaned my extremely tight hammies (biking + no stretching = bad), caught up a bit on my reading, did some journaling and took some time to think about my life and my broken relationship....focusing on trying to love myself. Its harder then you think. Or maybe you know. Why is that? I can get that soaring feeling of love for my neighbors, for humanity as a whole, for a new love interest (or an old one), but for some reason, when it comes to me....I don't feel that way- all I can see are my faults.
Detoxing to me is trying to break out of old habits, and I think of all my bad habits, the worse one I always fall into is beating myself up.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Second day of Unemployed Bliss?
Here I sit in front of my computer, just finishing my second full day of unemployment (without the fringe benefits of an unemployment check).
and i'm scared.
scared that i won't find a job before the money runs out, scared that i'm a waste of carbon and water, scared that the things i believe in aren't real; or that i don't even know what they are any more....
in college and highschool, it was some what easier to have ideals and believe in metaphysical mystics; but now, out here in the 'real' world, putting thoughts into actions and beliefs into practice, things get fuzzy and loose their solid edges; their contrast to what is not real....
maybe the truth is, the closer you look at those solid edges the more you realize they're not really there, the deeper you probe the more you come up with strings and empty space. so much sand through your hands, so much time through the hour glass.
trying to look at it, trying to define it, trying to pin point it down, and we see it just slips away like an amorphous blob of nothingness tied to a string...
where am i going? who am i? where have i been?
sometimes i'm so sure that i'm right where i'm meant to be, nothing can bring me down; but always following that high, is that crash of self-doubt and confusion...what if i can't live up to what i should be doing? what if that feeling of rightness, of fitting, of having found my place is just a left over acid trip? maybe that car accident unleashed some of the remaining lsd in my spine and my periodic momentary glimpses of the divine are really just acid flash backs?
is the whole portland progressive community on some group trip? does the fact that those momentary, fleeting feelings of absolute belonging only come when i'm around other people, engaged in my community make them any realer? or are we really and truly just a bunch of self-deluded progressive socialist treehugging dirt worshipping hippies on some collective high?
i would have to say, my two greatest fears are going off the deep end; i mean really losing it---falling so deep into the metaphysical that i can't function in the reality in front of me and the distopia of the post apocalyptic america that haunts my dreams(nightmares?)
i try to bunch it all up into a ball and hide it in a compartment somewhere inside me and get on with my life, keep putting one foot in front of the other; but i seem lost in it....
alternatively i get one of two responses from groups- thank you for being here, and are you alright?
the first elicits such a feeling of warmth and goodwill that i swear i must be glowing, and the later brings me nearly to tears...
do i just miss the comfort of having someone in bed next to me? someone that i felt i could divulge everything to, and by doing so, make me clean? is that some weird remanent from my catholic up-bring?
what is the point of all this anyway??
lost in some in-between land of knowing i have a job to do and not having a job; i find myself staring at walls with no thoughts in my head. reading seems to be an arduous task, and mostly all i can think about is wanting someone with me, beside me, to share life with....
am i just burnt out? have all my years of wild hedonism finally caught up to me? what the crap is going on brain?
maybe my vain attempts at dismissing my true nature are finally hitting me. i tried to put on the professional clothes and live the professional life, but it always seemed like a sort of lie to me.....
is it too late to begin my life anew as a wandering poet, an anarchist artist? what do those words mean to me? what do those life styles mean to me? do i want to live in the underground? could i cut it? or am i too white bread? better to play within the system while praying for its demise?
who am i really? can i successfully straddle both worlds? i think that was my intent at some point...
can some one tell me?
and i'm scared.
scared that i won't find a job before the money runs out, scared that i'm a waste of carbon and water, scared that the things i believe in aren't real; or that i don't even know what they are any more....
in college and highschool, it was some what easier to have ideals and believe in metaphysical mystics; but now, out here in the 'real' world, putting thoughts into actions and beliefs into practice, things get fuzzy and loose their solid edges; their contrast to what is not real....
maybe the truth is, the closer you look at those solid edges the more you realize they're not really there, the deeper you probe the more you come up with strings and empty space. so much sand through your hands, so much time through the hour glass.
trying to look at it, trying to define it, trying to pin point it down, and we see it just slips away like an amorphous blob of nothingness tied to a string...
where am i going? who am i? where have i been?
sometimes i'm so sure that i'm right where i'm meant to be, nothing can bring me down; but always following that high, is that crash of self-doubt and confusion...what if i can't live up to what i should be doing? what if that feeling of rightness, of fitting, of having found my place is just a left over acid trip? maybe that car accident unleashed some of the remaining lsd in my spine and my periodic momentary glimpses of the divine are really just acid flash backs?
is the whole portland progressive community on some group trip? does the fact that those momentary, fleeting feelings of absolute belonging only come when i'm around other people, engaged in my community make them any realer? or are we really and truly just a bunch of self-deluded progressive socialist treehugging dirt worshipping hippies on some collective high?
i would have to say, my two greatest fears are going off the deep end; i mean really losing it---falling so deep into the metaphysical that i can't function in the reality in front of me and the distopia of the post apocalyptic america that haunts my dreams(nightmares?)
i try to bunch it all up into a ball and hide it in a compartment somewhere inside me and get on with my life, keep putting one foot in front of the other; but i seem lost in it....
alternatively i get one of two responses from groups- thank you for being here, and are you alright?
the first elicits such a feeling of warmth and goodwill that i swear i must be glowing, and the later brings me nearly to tears...
do i just miss the comfort of having someone in bed next to me? someone that i felt i could divulge everything to, and by doing so, make me clean? is that some weird remanent from my catholic up-bring?
what is the point of all this anyway??
lost in some in-between land of knowing i have a job to do and not having a job; i find myself staring at walls with no thoughts in my head. reading seems to be an arduous task, and mostly all i can think about is wanting someone with me, beside me, to share life with....
am i just burnt out? have all my years of wild hedonism finally caught up to me? what the crap is going on brain?
maybe my vain attempts at dismissing my true nature are finally hitting me. i tried to put on the professional clothes and live the professional life, but it always seemed like a sort of lie to me.....
is it too late to begin my life anew as a wandering poet, an anarchist artist? what do those words mean to me? what do those life styles mean to me? do i want to live in the underground? could i cut it? or am i too white bread? better to play within the system while praying for its demise?
who am i really? can i successfully straddle both worlds? i think that was my intent at some point...
can some one tell me?
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
racheal carson
In 1964 (?) racheal carson wrote silent spring and set the modern environmental movement in motion. The book, at its basis was a warning of the effects of chemicals on our living environment. While it put specific actions in motion that outlawed the manufacuture of DDT in the United States, it is still being used abroad and is even found in ice core samples in the artic. The full ramifications of these chemicals in the environment is still not fully grasped today.
All around us, we see signs of our environment collasping around us, yet it is a warning that has come down to us through the ages and example of other ancient societies. What can we learn from these acienct societies that are relevant to our current situation?
Our federal government is battling a global war on terror.
A terror that is created by that same federal government.
Who has supplied all those rebels with weapons?
When a large government begins to engage in foreign wars, their homeland collaspes in a fit of mis-management.
The key to surviving is maintaining through the switch from precipitous control to unleashed chaos.
The best way to accomplish this is by maintaining small local safety nets.
When money no longer buys you everything, you must know how to live off the world around you.
Where to find food, shelter and most important; love.
Without being surrounded by people who care about you and support you through your lows live becomes dull and dark.
The hope I’ve ever seen in someone’s eye was put there because of me.
If you can not return the love of your fellow human beings in a positive, giving light love becomes twisted and lost.
Our society is not structured today to teach people to love one another and communicate that love and solidarity.
All around us, we see signs of our environment collasping around us, yet it is a warning that has come down to us through the ages and example of other ancient societies. What can we learn from these acienct societies that are relevant to our current situation?
Our federal government is battling a global war on terror.
A terror that is created by that same federal government.
Who has supplied all those rebels with weapons?
When a large government begins to engage in foreign wars, their homeland collaspes in a fit of mis-management.
The key to surviving is maintaining through the switch from precipitous control to unleashed chaos.
The best way to accomplish this is by maintaining small local safety nets.
When money no longer buys you everything, you must know how to live off the world around you.
Where to find food, shelter and most important; love.
Without being surrounded by people who care about you and support you through your lows live becomes dull and dark.
The hope I’ve ever seen in someone’s eye was put there because of me.
If you can not return the love of your fellow human beings in a positive, giving light love becomes twisted and lost.
Our society is not structured today to teach people to love one another and communicate that love and solidarity.
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