Volunteering and Fasting?

I realized two things today- the first one about fasting- its not what i've been eating, or my toxic load (well maybe it is that--more on that in a bit) that's been troubling me lately, its a deep seated and long lasting depression.

maybe it is from my toxic load, but i don't think simple fasting is going to take care of it....something more drastic perhaps...

anyway, i ate some popcorn, and feel better then i have for most of the day.

i'm definitely a gloomy gus, and while i've been pretty good about getting out and about and ignoring it, it really does kinda imbue everything i do and think. its not really anything new either, this feeling has been with me most of my life. its a nagging, annoying feeling that i'll never be, can't be happy, or normal or fit in. even here in this city of freaks and misfits, i don't feel that i belong often. over a year here and no friends to speak of....maybe i'm being too picky, maybe i'm ignoring the connections i have made...

which leads me to my second realization, which is part of the reason why i like volunteering so much is that it allows me to be a part of something, be in groups of people with out having to have fun...if i'm busy coordinating things or otherwise pre-occupied, i don't have to try to interact with people and be at a loss of how to act, or what to say, or always feel like i'm missing something, or not relating...


i didn't end up going to the bike workshop thing this morning; my body protested too much; and i've been trying to get better at listening to it.


i did, however, very briefly check out the multnomah county bike fair and there were a couple people there i knew, but i didn't talk to any of them. in fact, i more or less avoided them like the plague. ha! great way to make friends, eh? ignore people like the plague....


maybe somewhere, somehow through my endless self-reflecting i'll learn how to get over my hang ups and learn how to be in the moment with people, how to reach out and be friendly......