my vital juices

i've spent the last couple days...okay, maybe really several....mostly in my bed/room. now, while sequestered in there, i have been reading, watching movies and writing; but mostly sleeping and thinking; and when ever so often, i'm able to break out of my ocd thoughts of "oh shit, i'm going to run out of money, i'm an idiot, why did i quit before i had a new job lined up" and other things i don't feel like mentioning- i realize the pattern i'm falling back into.

yes, there's the depression, yes there's the fact that i spent most of the last several days being reclusive, yes there's the constant beating myself up; but those things don't really bother me....i mean they do; but there's something worse, deeper, more sinister....

and that would be my alcoholism.


its not a new realization that i could classify myself as such. i struggled a lot with my drinking in college, but it was oh so easy to write it off as just part of the experience....plus, there were people who drank more than me, so it must not be that bad, right??

the year after i graduated, i made the decision that i need to quit. i needed to get it out of my system and learn to live my life with out it. it was kinda easy, because i was in a new town, and wasn't faced with the peer pressure of going out and having drinks. i quit for six months and was pretty proud of myself.

i decided that since i had faced a test- being in a public place where others were drinking and didn't drink myself- i was save. i could start drinking again and have it under control. so i did.


at very first, i might have maintained a little control over it....not drinking too too much and not making a complete ass out of myself...

but slowly, incidents started occurring- drinking more then i anticipated, acting more of an idiot then i would prefer, being hung over longer then was healthy...


for a bit, it was the exception that those things happened....for the most part, i was under some resemblance of control....

but something happened, something changed- and recently, its been more the standard then the exception; more the way things go then they way they don't....


nothing really too terrible has happened, but all too often i've chastised myself the next day for how much i drank, how much i spent, or what i said.....or how i acted- or just wished to goddess i didn't let that much vial liquid pass my mouth because my brain is trying to escape my head.


so, when i was ever so briefly detoxing, i also wasn't drinking. and hadn't had a drink in a while; so once i stopped detoxing; i figured it was time to start drinking again...


the first drink wasn't a big deal...i just had one; and the craving for more didn't really kick in....

the second time wasn't that big of a deal either; i had a few more then one; but didn't do anything too embarrassing- but did end up sleeping most of the next day...


the third time, however- i drank too much, acted like a huge idiot and crashed my bike- maybe once, maybe more; i can't really recall.


two days later and my head still feels out of sorts; and i have to wonder- why?

why do i keep partaking in something that i hardly get any joy out of any more- that i hardly enjoy the taste of any more- that more often then not, creates more problems then its worth??


the answer, really has two parts....

one- once that first drink has passed my lips, i often crave for more and more till i'm to the point of illness- that is definitely a sign and symptom of alcoholism...and the reason why i need to not let that first drink past my lips; because once it does, it just opens the way for more. and i really don't think there's a way to avoid that craving other then just not partaking at all.


the second part, which, really is the much harder part is/are the reasons i drink...

one is just because its easier to not say no....even though i'm not in college and my social life doesn't completely revolve around alcohol- portland sure is a town big on its beer....

two is its affects as a social lubricant.....having always been someone that's pretty shy/with drawn its nice to have something that doesn't make me feel so shy/withdrawn; something that lets me seem a little freer...

and three; which i think is the biggest issue; is some mess of unresolved emotions swirling around in my head....yes, there's the social awkwardness which constitutes a huge part of why i drink; but there's also all the feelings that come up around that, and behind that...and the anger. deep, deep seething anger that comes up when i read the newspaper, or listen to a ignoramus...and which comes boiling out and over flowing when i'm drinking....that kind of anger makes me scarred of myself, scarred to let people in too much, lest they see it. scarred because i don't really know where its coming from...


so i realized i have a choice to make- continue down the path i'm on....watching my behavior and drinking slowly slip more and more out of my control; covering up the weirdness i feel with hangovers and drinking: or confront those demons. show my fears to the light of day and learn how to interact in this world with out the help/hindrance of alcohol.


making the choice is easy. sticking by it is what will be the challenge.