dropping the ball?

two things happened today that made me want to crawl into a dark, dark black cave and stay there.

the first (these are not listed chronologically) was finally getting word about my dream job i've been waiting on. i didn't get it. not only am i now in the position of being unemployed and not having something on the horizon, but i'm at a loss once again with the intended direction of my life. i mean, i really see/saw that job as my dream job and what i want to do with my life. maybe i wasn't as qualified as i thought, or maybe they made a mistake. anyway, its left me thinking- now what? all this is really starting to feel like a colossal bungle on my part; a bungle which could have been avoided and a bungle i get myself into a lot. i am doomed to never hold a job down for more then a year? i am doomed to forever be living paycheck to paycheck? just what the hell AM i doing with my life??


the second thing also has to do with repetitive negative behavior patterns; this time more to do with my inability to know how to interact normally with people....i have a tendency to over think things and build things up way too much. AND the thing that happened didn't really affect anything....it just made me feel crappy. which i have to wonder why i let such a little thing make me feel so crappy...


it was kinda a moment of deep personal insight when the dark hood started to come down over my brain, and the desire to hide started to set in....i realized that that's what alcohol does (especially over drinking) brings that hood down hard; cuts off the outside world, and some how allows me (briefly) to exist without experiencing life. where does that desire come from? its not that i don't like living, this world, or people (well mostly)- but so often this desire to hide from it all overwhelms me.

i keep hoping/thinking that some day those feelings will fade, and that i'll be able to face the world with out psyching myself up for it...

maybe i just need to stop being such a whiner...suck it up a bit.


tied into all this mess is this nasty feeling that has recently come into my life that if i could only find someone to love me, i wouldn't feel like that- that some how this imaginary person's love would heal me.

i know that's a bunch of bullshit. and always knew it was a bunch of bullshit- but here's the odd part- its a feeling that has become ever so much more prominent in my thoughts since my girlfriend dumped me for a boy. i think part of it for a while pretending that if i could find someone to love me again, i could forget her and move on....now its taken this evil life of its own, and every woman i meet that i'm interested in is my destiny....which is crazy and not healthy!

some how, i have to get my shit back together, regain my composure/confidence and re-negotiate my standing with myself and the world.

simple, right?