SPAM!!

So, i broke my streak yesterday, in more ways than one. i had pretty consistently been updating every day, but never got around to it yesterday....i also ate a pizza. and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some popcorn. and a pickle.

i wasn't planning on ending the fast/detox so abruptly or so soon, but i guess i couldn't resist the lure of pizza any longer. it was glorious to eat it again!

i also got a lot done yesterday. i continued my quest to find a suitable place to watch the sunset, and probably rode about 10 or so miles around trying to find a place. it was pretty nice, because there was also a lighting storm going on. as of yet, nothing suitable. have a couple more places to check out.

during my journeying, i realized just how fantastic the view from my parent's house really is....

i also started working on some art projects i've been meaning to get around to and just haven't. AND i took care of some volunteer responsibilities i've been putting off. all in all a pretty full day.

today, i have some more volunteer responsibilities to tackle, and a refrigerator to clean out, and a job to apply for....hopefully this one won't take three freakin months to get....and i'll probably work a bit more on my art projects...


so...on to the title of the post...one thing i secretly love and publicly fear is gmail's ability to read your emails and post ads that relate to key words in the messages. the reason i secretly love it is because when you go into your spam folder, there's always recipes for spam. i want to know who came up with all those recipes and decided to post them on the internet?? the funny thing is, that most of them sound pretty good, minus the spam, of course.


really, though, i probably should be a little more upset/concerned about google's ability to invade your life; because that's just a public application- imagine what the government can do....

i am upset/concerned/angry about it really, but what can i do? might as well get some enjoyment out of it, right?

Volunteering and Fasting?

I realized two things today- the first one about fasting- its not what i've been eating, or my toxic load (well maybe it is that--more on that in a bit) that's been troubling me lately, its a deep seated and long lasting depression.

maybe it is from my toxic load, but i don't think simple fasting is going to take care of it....something more drastic perhaps...

anyway, i ate some popcorn, and feel better then i have for most of the day.

i'm definitely a gloomy gus, and while i've been pretty good about getting out and about and ignoring it, it really does kinda imbue everything i do and think. its not really anything new either, this feeling has been with me most of my life. its a nagging, annoying feeling that i'll never be, can't be happy, or normal or fit in. even here in this city of freaks and misfits, i don't feel that i belong often. over a year here and no friends to speak of....maybe i'm being too picky, maybe i'm ignoring the connections i have made...

which leads me to my second realization, which is part of the reason why i like volunteering so much is that it allows me to be a part of something, be in groups of people with out having to have fun...if i'm busy coordinating things or otherwise pre-occupied, i don't have to try to interact with people and be at a loss of how to act, or what to say, or always feel like i'm missing something, or not relating...


i didn't end up going to the bike workshop thing this morning; my body protested too much; and i've been trying to get better at listening to it.


i did, however, very briefly check out the multnomah county bike fair and there were a couple people there i knew, but i didn't talk to any of them. in fact, i more or less avoided them like the plague. ha! great way to make friends, eh? ignore people like the plague....


maybe somewhere, somehow through my endless self-reflecting i'll learn how to get over my hang ups and learn how to be in the moment with people, how to reach out and be friendly......

Columbia Slough

swallows, swifts, bald eagle
mamma duck and blue heron
paddle columbia

today i went on a 19 (give or take) mile trip down the columbia slough.

it was pretty fantastic. i started the day in a canoe and ended it in a kayak. in my mind summer has officially begun because i got sun burnt.

the slough runs through a heavily industrialized area of north/northeast portland (well, there's no iron smelters or steel mills or anything; but you know- heavily industrialized for the pacific northwest- that's not to say there was a nuclear power plant, but you know what i mean...)

the slough is heavily leveed and the water levels in the upper reaches of it can be completely (well mostly) controlled by the multnomah county drainage district. the lower reach is still attached to the willamette and has a tidal fluctuation to it. i thought that was pretty amazing- 100 miles inland and there's still a tidal response.


over the past ten years or so, the city has invested a large amount of time, money and resources to re-vegetating the slough, and their work has paid off. there was abundant wildlife all along the voyage, including a pair of bald eagles!


the whole day really reminded me of why i love portland so much- such a beautiful natural resource right in the middle of industry. that and the other folks that were on the trip- it was the 8th annual trip and many of the people all worked together either at the bureau of environmental services or on the slough team. everyone was very friendly and was giving me places to look for jobs/network.


in addition to that, one of the people on the trip was a professor from lewis and clark university that i had met earlier this week during an informational interview about oregon and utopia and distopias (it was part of his grant- 'ecotopia revisited') .


it really is crazy how small this town is.


i would have to say, since January, i've really been trying to get out and about; and since march or so, its rare that i go to an event that i don't see someone i've met before....maybe i just move in small circles...

actually one of the students at the interview thingy i had met before!


i'm planning on going to a bike maintenance workshop tomorrow, so we'll see how much my theory plays out....

that is if i get up.

i'm not really that tired; my shoulders/arms are just unbelievably freakin sore!!


and- i'm ashamed to admit, i ate a ton of bad food....they had vodoo donuts, i couldn't resist....i ate one- then immediately regretted it....and i just ate some sushi from fred meyers....also regretting it....

let me explain about the vodoo donuts if you're not familiar- they're crazy!! they make all kinds of weird combinations, like donuts with sugary cereal on top, donuts with bacon on top, a little vodoo doll donut; and they even used to sell a night quil donut. i shit you not.


anyway, part way through the day i got this very uncomfortable feeling; not quite sick; but vaguely ill and just like disconnected....its a feeling i've gotten in the past, and for years, i've tried to isolate the source- and i may have discovered it. sugary donuts. either that or groups of people i don't know....it remains to be seen...

so, today, other than eating that nasty donut, i really didn't have any bad cravings, except for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. ummmmm..... bread.

i think i'm going to start a juice fast tomorrow, and planning on trying to carry it through the week. we'll see how it goes.

i didn't do super hot with the detox phase; but i'm not going to beat myself up over it.


i also applied for a job at hollywood video today. ugh. i really never thought my life would come to this when i graduated college. i really just need it to tide me over till something better comes along....and so that i don't go stir crazy. and i get free rentals. and its right down the street from me. all good reasons, right??


i do know this; when i finally do get a new job, i'm getting a massage and eating a great big sandwich to celebrate.

Food Cravings

I've been told that fasting is supposed to re-balance your relationship to food, make you more aware of what you put in your body, but damn! Does it make me hungry and yearn after all sorts of things.

Maybe I like to torture myself, because one of my favorite past time whilst fasting is looking at menus.

Today, so far, I have been craving barbequed ribs (keep in mind I'm vegetarian and have been for nearly 8 years), pork chops, t-bone steaks, grilled cheese, all sorts of grilled paninis, eggplant parmesan subs, or really any sort of mixture of bread and cheese. Um...cheese. Cheese and apples, cheese and pears...cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese....

It is a little interesting to me that all the things I've been mostly craving are things I'm imagining going to a restaurant for...

Well, that's not entirely true, I did have a fierce craving for some pieroges and broccoli..

And pizza. Always pizza. I could eat a whole pizza right now...ummm...bread and cheese...


Popcorn and cheesy poofs are also two familiar cravings. Nachos and cheese...

Strawberry shortcake. Oh yeah.


I've been making plans on what/where I'm going to eat once I'm done fasting. Burgerville was on the top of the list, for some strawberry shortcake, fries and a shake...

Why is it that I want to immediately stuff my gullet with nasty food again?


Other than writing this post right now, I have been a complete waste of life today. Seriously. I've spent all day in my room. Mostly sleeping. Now I have an urge to get up and prepare my lunch for tomorrow (canoe trip on the Columbia Slough), but my roommate has friends over and I'm still in my pajamas! D'oh. And I have a bad case of bed head....what with all the lazing about.

I guess I should dress myself and (briefly) face the world outside of my room....

Continuing Adventures in the Land Of UnEmployement.

And what a happy land it is!!

Today, incidentally also coincides with day 5 of my detox program. Although, I do have to admit, on day one I ate a piece of pizza and two (small) cheese sandwiches. AND day three I ate some cookies....and yesterday I ate the rest of the bread and cheese....(didn't want it to go to waste...).

Anyway, its the second time I've tried to do a detox; the first time being with my ex; utilizing the 'master cleanse' diet of lemon water, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. Ick. That didn't go well. I think I was toxed out, and didn't led up to it very well....this time I'm taking a gentiler approach...slowly detoxing for about a week (only eating a bit of fruit in the morning, then steamed vegetables and whole grains during the day; with plenty of liquid); then building up to a couple days of hard core fasting.

This morning I decided to do a salt water flush and (close your eyes if you don't like graphic descriptions of bodily functions) I've been peeing out my butt all day!! My stomach is kinda crampy and gurgly; probably from the massive amount of salt water I ingested (1 qrt), but all in all, I am feeling at least a little bit more clear headed.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to stick to fresh fruit and juices...wish me luck!!


Today I've also taken out some time to clean my apartment and work on me. I did a (very) little light yoga; and bemoaned my extremely tight hammies (biking + no stretching = bad), caught up a bit on my reading, did some journaling and took some time to think about my life and my broken relationship....focusing on trying to love myself. Its harder then you think. Or maybe you know. Why is that? I can get that soaring feeling of love for my neighbors, for humanity as a whole, for a new love interest (or an old one), but for some reason, when it comes to me....I don't feel that way- all I can see are my faults.

Detoxing to me is trying to break out of old habits, and I think of all my bad habits, the worse one I always fall into is beating myself up.

Second day of Unemployed Bliss?

Here I sit in front of my computer, just finishing my second full day of unemployment (without the fringe benefits of an unemployment check).

and i'm scared.

scared that i won't find a job before the money runs out, scared that i'm a waste of carbon and water, scared that the things i believe in aren't real; or that i don't even know what they are any more....

in college and highschool, it was some what easier to have ideals and believe in metaphysical mystics; but now, out here in the 'real' world, putting thoughts into actions and beliefs into practice, things get fuzzy and loose their solid edges; their contrast to what is not real....

maybe the truth is, the closer you look at those solid edges the more you realize they're not really there, the deeper you probe the more you come up with strings and empty space. so much sand through your hands, so much time through the hour glass.

trying to look at it, trying to define it, trying to pin point it down, and we see it just slips away like an amorphous blob of nothingness tied to a string...

where am i going? who am i? where have i been?


sometimes i'm so sure that i'm right where i'm meant to be, nothing can bring me down; but always following that high, is that crash of self-doubt and confusion...what if i can't live up to what i should be doing? what if that feeling of rightness, of fitting, of having found my place is just a left over acid trip? maybe that car accident unleashed some of the remaining lsd in my spine and my periodic momentary glimpses of the divine are really just acid flash backs?

is the whole portland progressive community on some group trip? does the fact that those momentary, fleeting feelings of absolute belonging only come when i'm around other people, engaged in my community make them any realer? or are we really and truly just a bunch of self-deluded progressive socialist treehugging dirt worshipping hippies on some collective high?



i would have to say, my two greatest fears are going off the deep end; i mean really losing it---falling so deep into the metaphysical that i can't function in the reality in front of me and the distopia of the post apocalyptic america that haunts my dreams(nightmares?)


i try to bunch it all up into a ball and hide it in a compartment somewhere inside me and get on with my life, keep putting one foot in front of the other; but i seem lost in it....

alternatively i get one of two responses from groups- thank you for being here, and are you alright?


the first elicits such a feeling of warmth and goodwill that i swear i must be glowing, and the later brings me nearly to tears...

do i just miss the comfort of having someone in bed next to me? someone that i felt i could divulge everything to, and by doing so, make me clean? is that some weird remanent from my catholic up-bring?


what is the point of all this anyway??


lost in some in-between land of knowing i have a job to do and not having a job; i find myself staring at walls with no thoughts in my head. reading seems to be an arduous task, and mostly all i can think about is wanting someone with me, beside me, to share life with....

am i just burnt out? have all my years of wild hedonism finally caught up to me? what the crap is going on brain?


maybe my vain attempts at dismissing my true nature are finally hitting me. i tried to put on the professional clothes and live the professional life, but it always seemed like a sort of lie to me.....

is it too late to begin my life anew as a wandering poet, an anarchist artist? what do those words mean to me? what do those life styles mean to me? do i want to live in the underground? could i cut it? or am i too white bread? better to play within the system while praying for its demise?


who am i really? can i successfully straddle both worlds? i think that was my intent at some point...


can some one tell me?