Second day of Unemployed Bliss?

Here I sit in front of my computer, just finishing my second full day of unemployment (without the fringe benefits of an unemployment check).

and i'm scared.

scared that i won't find a job before the money runs out, scared that i'm a waste of carbon and water, scared that the things i believe in aren't real; or that i don't even know what they are any more....

in college and highschool, it was some what easier to have ideals and believe in metaphysical mystics; but now, out here in the 'real' world, putting thoughts into actions and beliefs into practice, things get fuzzy and loose their solid edges; their contrast to what is not real....

maybe the truth is, the closer you look at those solid edges the more you realize they're not really there, the deeper you probe the more you come up with strings and empty space. so much sand through your hands, so much time through the hour glass.

trying to look at it, trying to define it, trying to pin point it down, and we see it just slips away like an amorphous blob of nothingness tied to a string...

where am i going? who am i? where have i been?


sometimes i'm so sure that i'm right where i'm meant to be, nothing can bring me down; but always following that high, is that crash of self-doubt and confusion...what if i can't live up to what i should be doing? what if that feeling of rightness, of fitting, of having found my place is just a left over acid trip? maybe that car accident unleashed some of the remaining lsd in my spine and my periodic momentary glimpses of the divine are really just acid flash backs?

is the whole portland progressive community on some group trip? does the fact that those momentary, fleeting feelings of absolute belonging only come when i'm around other people, engaged in my community make them any realer? or are we really and truly just a bunch of self-deluded progressive socialist treehugging dirt worshipping hippies on some collective high?



i would have to say, my two greatest fears are going off the deep end; i mean really losing it---falling so deep into the metaphysical that i can't function in the reality in front of me and the distopia of the post apocalyptic america that haunts my dreams(nightmares?)


i try to bunch it all up into a ball and hide it in a compartment somewhere inside me and get on with my life, keep putting one foot in front of the other; but i seem lost in it....

alternatively i get one of two responses from groups- thank you for being here, and are you alright?


the first elicits such a feeling of warmth and goodwill that i swear i must be glowing, and the later brings me nearly to tears...

do i just miss the comfort of having someone in bed next to me? someone that i felt i could divulge everything to, and by doing so, make me clean? is that some weird remanent from my catholic up-bring?


what is the point of all this anyway??


lost in some in-between land of knowing i have a job to do and not having a job; i find myself staring at walls with no thoughts in my head. reading seems to be an arduous task, and mostly all i can think about is wanting someone with me, beside me, to share life with....

am i just burnt out? have all my years of wild hedonism finally caught up to me? what the crap is going on brain?


maybe my vain attempts at dismissing my true nature are finally hitting me. i tried to put on the professional clothes and live the professional life, but it always seemed like a sort of lie to me.....

is it too late to begin my life anew as a wandering poet, an anarchist artist? what do those words mean to me? what do those life styles mean to me? do i want to live in the underground? could i cut it? or am i too white bread? better to play within the system while praying for its demise?


who am i really? can i successfully straddle both worlds? i think that was my intent at some point...


can some one tell me?